Yesterday, I turned in my grades for The Neuropsychology of Meditation class that I taught at KSC with a colleague. It was my first time teaching at the college since I retired in 2016. At our final meeting, each of the 37 students shared a couple take aways from the course. It was very gratifying to hear them speak about what they had learned. After reading their papers, almost 100 pages, and figuring out their grades with my colleague, I was exhausted and was aware of various thoughts and emotions, some of which I have written about in these blogs: what mindfulness is and isn’t, compassion, loving-kindness, generosity, letting go of afflictive emotions, remembering to be mindful, busyness, and being with the unwanted. Some of those feelings I haven’t written about yet: regret, expectations, sadness, shoulds and should nots.
The black cloud
My wife knows well the black cloud that descended on me the last two weeks of every semester, partly from fatigue and for other reasons as well. I was a bit surprised when the black cloud came last week, because I was only teaching one class. Yet descend it did.
Practices that help
I remembered from Thich Nhat Hanh to say “Hello old friends” to those parts that I’d just as soon stay buried, below the surface: disappointment, sadness, frustration, irritation… It also helped to remember that this black cloud is temporary, just like the stormy weather which might stay for a day or sometimes even a week. I have written about RAIN (recognize, acknowledge/allow, investigate, and non-identification), and I find myself in some part of that cycle several times a week. That also helps.
Going deeper
I want to explore a deeper level today. This has been most clearly stated by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche who said “Ultimately, happiness comes down to choosing between the discomfort of becoming aware of your mental afflictions and the discomfort of being ruled by them.”
Moving this statement to the concrete level, one of my meditation teachers told the story of one day sitting at home and suddenly having an urge for chocolate. With a bit of reflection, she realized that a small wave of sadness had passed over her. When we are sad, tired, depressed, anxious, irritated, lonely, etc., we often react to that discomfort, often unconsciously, by reaching out for something pleasant to distract us. That is what the Tibetan teacher is talking about.
When my students reflected on their use of technology for a week, one of the common themes was how often they reached for their phone when they were bored. When we probed a bit, many realized that beneath the boredom was a sadness or a feeling of anxiousness. Rumi talks about this in his wonderful poem The Guest House: A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows…still treat each guest honorably. [S]he may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The new delight that Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, Thich Nhat Hanh, and Rumi are talking about is liberation. The Buddha once described being liberated as not putting any more logs on the fire and letting the fire burn out. Noah Levine described this as “letting each thought die its own natural death.”
Whack-a-mole
There is a game called Whack-a-Mole I have often seen in arcades. If you don’t know it, the player gets a mallet, and the playing area looks like a meadow with holes from which the moles pop up. The idea is to whack as many moles as you can in the time allotted. Every time you whack a mole, almost instantly another mole pops up out of another hole. It’s hysterical to watch.
And yet this game is just what these teachers are talking about. When something arises that we don’t want, we whack it—with chocolate or other favorite foods, or check our phones, or turn on the TV, or any of many other distractions. It’s not bad and it’s not good—it’s part of the normal human condition.
What I have learned from mindfulness after 40 years is that I do generally recognize when the mole has popped up. Sometimes I respond with “welcome old friend, sit with me.” Sometimes I recognize the mole and say not now—I’m tired or I’m busy. Sometimes I’m in the middle of something and snap at the mole. And the moles will continue to come up. To continue with the metaphor, the moles used to be scary monsters, and sometimes still are, but more often they are just moles.
Mindfulness: Simple and Complex
In some respects, this practice is simple, and yet in other respects it’s not, because we are complex beings. Often bringing mindful attention to afflictive emotions will allow you to feel that urge for chocolate or to check your phone dissolve like the clouds in the sky. At other times, you might sense that the discomfort is more like the tip of an iceberg, and it needs more attention than simple mindfulness. In those cases, it can be helpful to bring other tools and practices to the discomfort: journaling, psychotherapy, more meditation, to name but a few.
Try This!
I will write about New Year’s Intentions in the December 31 blog, and this is my main intention for next year. When that discomfort arises, my intention will be to feel its presences in my body, mind, and heart, to listen to it. And then go from there. While I have found it helpful to bring mindfulness to my various afflictions, I know that I am still ruled by many of them, at least some of the time. This awareness, itself, is a practice worth cultivating.