My wife and I enjoyed FaceTime with our 3 year old granddaughter Livi last night. One of the most wonderful surprises in being a grandparent but living 1500 miles away in northwest Arkansas, is that the bond is as strong as if we saw her every week. It has now been five months since we have seen her, and she and we are both feeling that absence.
Many spiritual teachers have talked about our original state of being: loving, kind, compassionate, open, etc. One teacher wrote that meditation practice "returns the heart and mind to its birthright, naturally luminous and free." Another teacher said that "seeking joy and freedom from suffering is the birthright of all beings."
Here are some notes about what I have received and" remembered" about our original state from my times with Livi. I have organized my reflections around qualities which we tend to lose sight of as we get older or in many cases were not allowed to develop in the first place.
Connection and belonging
Developmental psychologists talk about the importance of secure attachment which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world. I have seen this secure attachment with Livi from the beginning.
• Once she became verbal, it was amazing to notice that upon waking up in the morning and after her afternoon nap, she would often lay or sit in her crib talking to herself.
• When she was just 2 years old, we were at a wedding and almost the whole party of 150 people were fascinated by her on the dance floor, feeling the music, exploring her dance steps, watching others.
• Then afterwards, she let grandpa drive her home alone while the rest of our group remained at the party. She sat in the back seat, talking to me or to herself before falling asleep.
• The look on her face when she sees me when I come into her room after her nap just melts me and sometimes brings me to tears. If she is still sleepy, she lays her head on my shoulder when I pick her up.
Compassion
Many teachers have asserted that with a sense of connection and belonging, compassion naturally arises. Last summer, when it was in the 90s each day, she would play in the back yard in her kiddie pool. One time I noticed that she had dunked a small towel into her pool and was then rubbing it on their dog Samba who was laying in the shade and panting.
Letting go
Like many children, Livi has temper tantrums. However, those temper tantrums are like monsoon storms in the Southwest, where I lived for four years as a child. The summer day would begin cloudless, suddenly storm clouds would appear almost out of nowhere, torrential rain would come down, and then the sun would be out and the sky cloudless.
Livi is disciplined using natural consequences for things biting, hitting, throwing stuff around. However, once it's over, no grudges. She is able to simply let go of the anger. Sunny weather again!
Curious and non-judgmental
These are two qualities of mindful awareness that are emphasized by most meditation teachers in my tradition.
Curious: exploring and testing
• Watching her playing with her dad's xylophone, drum, and guitar from early on.
• I remember sitting with her at the dining room table with a bunch of dice. She was fascinated by stacking the dice. I watched her learn what enabled a higher stack, for example, positioning the dice, gently laying one die on top of another.
Non-judgmental
• A year ago, I was so excited when she made a stack of 7 dice. Then the 'tower' fell down with 8th die. I burst into laughter when her response was “Oh man!” Then she started a new tower.
• She loved to watch me spin 5 dreidels (tops) at once on the dining room table. She tried to spin the tops herself. At one point, she realized matter-of-factly that it wasn't going to happen at this point. So she let it go and moved to another activity.
• I remember watching her draw with markers and colored pencils. As she became more verbal, she would tell me what she had drawn. I was reminded of a true story of a college art professor who had a young child. One day when she was getting ready to go to work, her daughter asked what she did and she said, "I teach people how do draw." He daughter looked perplexed and said, “you mean they forgot?”!
Present Moment
• Watching her eating a popsicle, savoring each moment.
• Taking her to a park with a child-size toy train, with an engine, a couple cars and a caboose. She spent a good half hour walking from one car to the other, sitting down, swinging on the bars, crawling through the openings.
• Then going into the stream and being fascinated by everything--the water, the different textures of the stream bed, throwing stones into the stream, and more.
• Going down the slide 40 times, sometime oblivious of my presence, sometimes smiling and laughing.
Quiet time
During most of our visits, me being an early morning person meant her mom or dad would bring her to me at 6 am or so, and we would have our early morning quiet time, a precious ritual.
• When she was 6 and 9 months old, I would carry her around the house, taking time to observe the various pictures and hangings--my son had 9 record albums on the walls in the den. We could go around the rooms of the house several times in total silence and absorption.
• One day when she was six months old and it was raining, I opened the garage door and we sat on a stool at the entrance and just watched the rain. She was totally still, occasionally looking up, probably to make sure I was still there or holding out her hand to feel the raindrops dripping down from the roof.
• Seeing a deer in the woods on one walk. Her noticing the deer while she sat in the stroller, observing and staying quiet.
Playful
• Her being so playful with language, for example, calling me "grand paw" with a Southern accent.
• She loves to rough house. I remember my daughter Emily once asking me "Daddy play rough like you do with Josh (her younger brother)" and me realizing, with deep chagrin, my own conditioning--being more gentle with a daughter than with a son.
Exuberance
• Me dragging her around the floor on a yoga mats and her squealing with delight.
• Both of us jumping in puddles with pure joy after the rain.
• One day when she stubbed her toe and was crying, I realized that it really wasn't that painful, and I asked "what's the matter?" with a Donald Duck voice. She burst into laughter. She still asks for Donald Duck when we visit on Face Time.
Creativity
The last night of one visit, I put her down for bed and counted 11 diversions: "one more story," "do you want coffee?--from her toy kitchen, etc. As a father, those diversions were frustrating because I was tired and wanted some down time. As a grandfather, I was delighted and fascinated by her creativity.
Independent: fearless and realistic
• When Livi was only 15 months old, we went to a public pool. There was a slide in the shallow end which she wanted to try. It was too small for me to go with her so I would hold her hand as she climbed up and then be ready to catch her at the bottom. Squeals of joy as she went down and I caught her!
• When she was two, we were at a park. There was an elaborate slide complex, with a platform at the top about 7 feet high and the choice of several slides. It was too hot that day to go on the slide, but she wanted to climb to the top. When she got to the top, I said "jump into my arms." She wholeheartedly launched and almost overshot me! Both her dad I gasped and were grateful that she hadn't jumped any further.
• Yet she would hold onto the rail when she walked up steps, and she still pays careful attention when coming down the stairs in her house.
• Like most children, she often says “I'll do it myself.” Yet she will often ask for help once she realizes she can't yet do it, for example, putting on her sandals.
Like most grandparents, I could write a whole book on what I have noticed and learned and enjoyed from my times with her. Being in the presence of such energy is a wonderful way to cultivate the many qualities of mindfulness. These experiences and reflections have allowed me a bit of reverse aging, like Merlin!