I’m pretty tired this morning. Last Friday we began emptying out my wife Yvette’s two room office where she had practiced as a therapist for over 16 years. We brought the last boxes home yesterday afternoon.
During the past three months of covid, when she had to convert to online therapy and has been working harder than ever before, I have gladly taken on more and more of the household load—cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills, etc. And it has worn on me.
I am aware of a particular burden that I carry which is the burden of Trying To Do It Right. I inherited it from both parents, and it has been a dis-ease that permeated my whole life: doing friendship right, doing marriage right, doing parenting right, doing mindfulness right.
It has not been a hidden disease, and I have aware of it since early on. And I have tried to overcome it, get rid of it, and work with it. I have even told stories about doing it right. Here are two of my favorites.
Maintaining equanimity
In 1983 I was serving on the first meditation retreat in the US given by my first Buddhist teacher S.N. Goenka. The retreat was in Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts. We were a small staff and were cooking for the 200 participants in the garage of the farmhouse that the founders of the Center had bought one year earlier. It was exhausting and we were doing our best. On the sixth day of the retreat, one of the crew just lost it. The manager, with great compassion, told him to spend the afternoon meditating. I’ll never forget his words when he came back: “I had been trying to maintain my equanimity (a word we used a lot), until I just couldn’t stand it anymore!” We all laughed.
I remember this story often when I am trying more to maintain my equanimity than to be with my lack of equanimity. And yet, my wife and both of my children have seen me trying to maintain my equanimity until I couldn’t stand it any longer, and then it came out in anger and irritation. I would apologize and vow to continue to work on it.
The three old men
Another story is from a book by Jack Kornfield and Christina Feldman. The story takes place in the 1500 or 1600s. A Catholic bishop was in charge of a vast territory in the Pacific Ocean. On one of his tours, he went to an island where few of the natives had converted to Christianity. However, three old men were dedicated practitioners, but their English was poor. The were happy to see the bishop but told him they had forgotten the prayer he had taught them. All they could remember was “we are three, you are three, have mercy on us.” Appalled, the Bishop spent the next day reteaching the Lord’s Prayer. At the end of the day, he was satisfied that they had gotten it right, and he left. Months later, he happened to pass by the island of the three men. As the story goes, he saw a spot of light on the water. Puzzled, he watched the light getting larger and larger until he could see the three men who were walking on water toward his ship. The men said that they saw his ship and hurried to meet it. Awe-stricken the Bishop asked them what they wanted. They told him they had forgotten much of the prayer and asked him to teach it to them again. Humbled, the bishop said that they were doing just fine!
This story is part of why I often use the term heartfulness to describe mindfulness, which is essentially a practice of the heart.
My own journey
I remember pestering my teachers at the many retreats I have attended about doing it right. I was sure that, although meditation had brought about wonderful changes in my life, that I wasn’t doing it right and if I could figure out how to do it 100% right, I would make even more progress. My teachers would patiently explain that each one of us has to figure out how this path works for us. They talked about continuing to practice, cultivating patience, and self-compassion. And I continue to walk this path of being human as best I understand it.
I have been aware many times during the past three months and the past week of the Doing it Right energy that still runs through my veins and through my neurons. When I remember, I relaxed my body, and I acknowledge and try to be with irritation and frustration in helpful ways. And still I have had moments which I apologized for.
For those of you who struggle with the Doing it Right complex, may this be helpful. For those of you who don’t struggle with this complex, please have compassion on those of us who do!