Note: This is my first blog in many months. It was a combination of the election, some extra child care, and other events. I’m back and plan to resume these every few weeks.
A key principle in Buddhist psychology is the importance of remembering that we have choice in how we respond to stressful situations. When we realize that we are being reactive, we can more clearly see choices that are more skillful.
Last year I had two unusual neurological events which led me to go to the Emergency Room because of concerns I might be having a stroke. I felt that the episodes were minor, but when I mentioned them to my wife, she immediately wanted to go to the ER, and I felt the reactivity. I remembered to take a couple breaths. This enabled me to choose not to say what first came to my mind which wouldn't have been nice!
When I hung up after talking to a doctor on call who said to go to the ER, I was surprised that I immediately burst into tears. I chose to allow myself to feel the feelings rather than suppress them. The last three times I have gone to the ER have been as a result of my aortic dissection 4 years ago. I recognized that this trauma was still present in my system and brought miondful awareness to that.
Several hours later, I had had several tests including two different CTs and an MRI which were all negative. However, the doctor told me they were going to keep me overnight. That set off bad memories of not being able to sleep well in any of my 3 hospital stays from my aortic dissection. Then I was told that the hospital was full and I might have to stay in the ER room all night. That meant a tiny room and no TV where I could watch a movie or a good basketball game. I realized that I was really starting to crank up and I felt a bunch of stories about what a nightmare this was turning out to be. So I paused and focused on my breathing. This enabled me to chose to tell my wife that I was really getting triggered. Her compassionate listening helped me to calm down, and remember that this was just one night.
Several hours later I was in a hospital room and getting ready to go sleep. Because I have two bad shoulders, a cranky back, and sensitive hips, sleeping in hospital beds is challenging and I never get decent sleep. My first choice was to allow myself to let in the stories that I was starting to tell myself: this sucks, what if they keep me here for several nights, what if my roommate snores, etc. So I took a few minutes to breathe, to acknowledge the fears, to acknowledge that this experience was traumatizing, that they would be waking me up every two hours to check my vitals, and to acknowledge that it could be a long night. As a result, I fell asleep more quickly than I had feared.
Some time later my roommate’s snoring woke me up. My first choice was to see if I could simply make the snoring the focus of my mindfulness. I tried for several minutes but that didn't work. Alarm bells started going off in my mind again: "This really sucks, it's gonna be a miserable night...." So I took a minute of mindful breathing and self-talk to talk myself off the ledge of panic. That enabled me to make a choice that helped me get back to sleep: I folded my flannel shirt and put it over my head to muffle the snoring. Amazingly I got back to sleep for a while until the monitor above my bed started making a buzzing sound.
Another opportunity to breathe and realize my choices!%$# I could have pressed the call button and asked the nurse if she could stop that noise, but I chose not to. In previous hospitalizations, sometimes the nurse didn't come for several minutes and by then I was wide awake. So I chose to see if I could make the buzzing the focus of my mindfulness. I was able to do so and I got back to sleep.
I next woke up when the nurse took my blood pressure. This irritated me and I couldn't get back to sleep. And the thought storms started up again. This time I chose to bring compassion to the parts of me that were starting to dive into all the stories about how much this sucked, how miserable I was, and so on. Didn’t help. Next, I chose to try different meditations. First, I tried being mindful of my breathing, but my mind was wandering way too much. Then I tried a practice that was useful in a previous hospital stay. I asked myself: could I be mindful of just this next breath? Yes I could. What about this next breath? I could. When I did that once before, I got to sleep immediately. No such luck this time. So I next chose to do a body scan meditation. It took a while but eventually I got back to sleep.
Finally dawn came and I was still OK. I was released by lunch time. While I had many mental storms during that 24 hours, I feel like my experience is proof that with the practice of mindfulness during stressful situations, these mind storms happen less often, they are generally less intense, and the recovery time is quicker. For that I am very grateful.