I remember my mom encouraging me to say thank you in appropriate situations and to send thank you letters after receiving birthday and Christmas presents. I think she did it well, and I have seen parents being more forceful and sometimes obnoxious in trying to train their children to say thank you.
In any case, it’s a powerful and wonderful habit.
Interestingly, I’m aware of a change, especially among younger people, when someone thanks them. When I say thank you to someone for holding the door open for me or answering my question in a store, I often hear “no problem” instead of “you’re welcome.” Not sure where that comes from. At first it irritated me, but now I just focus on their kindness instead of wondering how “you’re welcome” got changed to “no problem.”
Examples
Several years ago when I was having students bring mindfulness to something for 21 days, a student said she wanted to say thank you for 21 consecutive days: in person, on the phone, or by email. Her paper was very exciting to read, partly because she got so much out of their experience.
In the last year I have received thank yous via email from students I taught a long time ago. One was from a high school student from the 1970s, and the other was from a college student in the early 1980s when I was a graduate student. Both people described specific things I had done that had an impact on the course of their lives. Obviously, it is wonderful to get such letters. In teaching, you often don’t really know how much of an impact you have made, and we certainly don’t go into that career for the high pay!
Receiving a thank you is like feeling a warm wind suddenly blow across our face. We smile, our body relaxes, and how we move through the rest of the day is changed.
The practice
So I encourage you to think of saying thank you more often.
to family members, friends, neighbors, colleagues, childhood teachers, coaches, mentors …
for little actions, medium actions, and huge actions
Doing this mindfully involves being aware of your thoughts and emotions, your heart, and the feelings and energy in your body during the process. Bringing this full awareness as you think about contacting them, as you are writing or talking, and afterwards.
It is also important to be aware of any expectations regarding a response, and what if they don’t respond.
Saying thank you when you are tempted not to or to say something else.
I generally play around on the internet when preparing to write these blog posts. This time I found a wonderful website that suggested situations to say thank you instead of other possible responses. I am passing some of these along because I think they are useful and some will bring a laugh.
Say “Thank You” when you're receiving a compliment.
Example: “Your dress looks great.”
Instead of: “Oh, this old thing? I've had it for years.”
Try saying: “Thank you. I'm glad you like it.”
Example: “You killed your presentation today!”
Instead of: “Did I? I felt so nervous up there. I'm glad it looked alright.”
Try saying: “Thank you. I'm happy it went well.”
Say “Thank You” when you’re running late.
Example: You walk in the door 15 minutes late.
Instead of: “So sorry I’m late. Traffic was insane out there.”
Try saying: “Thank you for your patience.”
Say “Thank You” when you're comforting someone.
Example: Your co-worker's mother passed away recently.
Instead of: “At least you have a lot of fond memories to hold onto.”
Try saying: “Thank you for sharing that with me. I know this is a hard time for you.”
Example: Your brother lost his job.
Instead of: “At least you have your health.”
Try saying: “Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm here to support you.”
Say “Thank You” when someone gives you unsolicited advice.
Example: “You know, you should really keep your hips back when you do that exercise.”
Instead of: “Oh really? Do you have a video of yourself doing it so I can see it done correctly?”
Try saying: “Thank you for the help.”
Say “Thank You” when you're not sure.
If the question arises about saying thank you or sending a thank you card, just do it. If you’re not sure about tipping and chose not to tip, at least say thank you.
There is rarely a downside, and I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend who showed too much gratitude to the people in their life!
Searching on my blog
On an entirely different note, I have done some housecleaning on my blog.
There are several ways you can search through the blog posts regarding themes and ideas I have written about.
Near the top of the page, you can see what looks like a magnifying lens and the word Search. If you type a word or phrase in that box, any blog posts with that phrase will come up. For example, if you type the word 'patience,' I have used that word in four different blog posts.
If you click on Posts by Date, you can get to posts by each month.
If you click Posts by Tag, a menu will come down with any significant words I have used to 'tag' a post. For example, if you click on Dalai Lama, you can look through the three posts where I have mentioned him.
If you click on Posts by Category, you can see all 11 categories. For example, if you click Try This, you will see all the blog posts where I described a practice that you can try on your own.
• Afflictive states, e.g., anxiety, fear, anger, pain
• Buddhism: when I mention or focus on specific Buddhist ideas
• Direct experience: when I have described specific meditation or mindfulness practices with instructions
• Metaphors
• Reframing of common ideas, e.g., hope, expectations, letting be and letting go
• Insights gained from related fields and other places, e.g., my time in the Peace Corps, Internal Family Systems, Tai Chi, yoga)
• Stories from me: how mindfulness has helped me, e.g., anxiety, resentment, prostate cancer
• Stories from others
• Try This: Practices I suggest trying out for yourselves: smiling, loving-kindness, RAIN, etc.
• Well-being, e.g., loving-kindness, compassion, forgiveness, resilience
• What mindfulness is and isn’t, e.g., getting hung up on doing it ‘right,’ patience, mindfulness as the pause between stimulus and response
Please know that these are efforts to make this blog more user-friendly to all, and I am always welcoming feedback and any comments you might like to share regarding this blog. You can make comments at the bottom of a blog post or email me at tombassarear@gmail.com
Thank you!