Listening before speaking
Vietnamese Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh said, "Deep listening is the foundation of right speech. If we cannot listen mindfully, we cannot practice right speech. No matter what we say, it will not be mindful, because we'll be speaking only our own ideas and not in response to the other person."
In most organizations and at Keene State College where I taught for 30 years, if you want to speak at a meeting, you have to time your first syllable to be as close as possible to the last syllable of the speaker. Otherwise, you'll never speak. No pausing.
A musician once said that music is the notes and the silence (pauses) between the notes. Without the silence, there would be no music, just noise. That has stayed with me. As I was preparing this blog post, I came across a quote by from Artur Schnabel, an Austrian pianist and composer: “The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides."
This connects to the statement that as we become more mindful, we have more space between stimulus and response, and in that space we find we have more choices.
This is challenging, especially at the pace of our lives these days. Yesterday I was co-facilitating a three hour Board meeting of our local Mindfulness Practice Center. I was aware of the times when I felt I had something important to say. Sometimes I jumped in and sometimes I breathed and listened.
After that meeting, I led our monthly Civil Conversation group where our stated goal is not to persuade others that our views are right but to try to listen so that we can understand why they believe what they believe. Because we have been meeting for 2 1/2 years, the meeting was successful because of this change in focus.
Thich Nhat Hanh's formulation of skillful speech
I love Thich Nhat Hanh's presentation of skillful speech, partly because he reminds us that speaking and listening are so deeply intertwined:
"Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and to relieve others of their suffering.
Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope.
When anger is manifesting in me, I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help me and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations.
I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small."
A practical formulation
Barbara O'Brien wrote about Right speech: "We might think of speech as something we give to others. If we think of it that way, what is the quality of that gift?"
Here are two formulations of speech that help us to focus on the quality of that gift.
This formulation is attributed to Rumi, a 13th century Sufi mystic:
“Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
1. At the first gate, ask yourself “Is it true?”
2. At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?”
3. At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?
This formulation is attributed to early Buddhist scriptures and framed in modern language:
1. Is what I am about to say truthful and accurate?
2. Is what I am about to say necessary, useful and helpful?
3. Is what I am about to say kind, coming from a place of love or compassion?
4. Can I say it appropriately: timing, tone, aware of my intention?
In this respect my son, when he was young, was a great teacher, because he was so stubborn, challenging almost everything, for example, "It's bedtime." I came to realize that before uttering those words every night, thing went much better if I paused to check in with my own state. In those days, I was working very hard and after the kids went to bed, I still had a couple hours of work preparing lessons and grading papers, and I was tired.
I realized that if there were any feelings of impatience or irritation in my voice, my son would sense it and rebel against it. My anger would grow, and we were off to the races! However, if I took a few moments to pause and breathe and let go of anticipating his response and remember my love for him and his love for me, what a different outcome.
When I get into conflict with another person, I try to give even more attention to what has been triggered in me than on the other person's words. As I learn to do this more skillfully, both the content and the feeling in my response is my gift to the other person. Again, simple but not always easy.
Thich Nhat Hanh said that the only way to stop wars is to begin with the war inside our own minds and the wars in our own household. Dogen, a Zen teacher from the 13th Century said something similar: "Kind speech is not just praising the merit of others; it has the power to turn the destiny of the nation."