Every day unpleasant and unwanted things happen, some small and some big. Victor Frankl, noted author and psychologist, wrote:
"Between stimulus and response lies a space.
In that space lies our freedom and power to choose a response.
In our response lies our growth and our happiness."
One of the primary reasons for a regular meditation, or other contemplative, practice is that is makes us more likely to remember to be mindful when things don't go the way we want them to. Often it's little things: hitting a stop light when running behind, an issue with technology, the day not going the way you planned, etc. And then the bigger things like a leaky toilet, someone being mean to you, ruminating about a relationship, worry about the security of your job, etc. All of these situations can result in our being more irritable or short-tempered at work or at home.
When we remember to pause, it creates enough space for us to remember that we have choices other than the initial reaction. It's like your agitation muddies the waters, and the pause enables you to see more clearly.
One of the more gratifying things about teaching mindfulness is to see how it changes people's lives. Once or twice a year I ask the people at the Monday night sitting at our Center to share examples of when an unpleasant situation arose and they remembered to pause. Here are several of their stories.
Situation: I was feeling frustrated with my life and realized that I was getting stuck in a cycle of ruminating.
Response: I stopped and took a breath...Then I decided to focus on some of the positive things about my life.
Situation: I was away for a mini-vacation and was frustrated when things weren't going the way I had envisioned.
Response: I realized that I was getting more negative. So I paused and asked myself what's really important here. I immediately thought rest and relaxation, and there are so many ways to get R & R at the ocean!
Situation: I had made dinner and suddenly smelled something burning. The dinner was ruined. The old stories began immediately: what an idiot, how could you do this?
Response: I paused and took a few breaths. Calmer now, I realized I could make something else quickly. Not the delicious meal I had planned, but nutritious, and enough.
Situation: I have a troubling relationship with a friend, and it's easy to fall into rumination about that person and all their issues.
Response: One day I decided to simply take a step back and go into witnessing mode, that is, observing myself ruminating like I was watching a play. My mood lightened noticeably.
Situation: We had just started meditating and suddenly some people outside started talking loudly and were playing music on a boom box.
Response: Initially I was irritated, but when I paused to consider it, I realized that while my mind didn't like the noise, my body didn't mind. With this change in attitude, I noticed the birds and then the noise was no longer a bother.
Situation: During the meditation I started having a fair amount of back pain and all of my attention was trying to move to get rid of it. Not working.
Response: I was doing a body scan meditation, so I moved my attention to my legs and intentionally brought more curiosity to the sensations in my legs. I then continued the body scan. The next time I got to my back, the pain was gone! [Many people have told similar stories.]
Situation: I was looking forward to spending the morning on a new project that I was excited about. However, at the doctor's office, I was told it would be awhile as they were backed up.
Response: I was irritated by the wait. So I decided to meditate with my eyes open. After a few minutes, I suddenly had all these incredible ideas about the project.
There are several amazing things about these stories.
First, many of the choices are classic practices and techniques from various meditation teachers.
Second, many of these stories were told by people who had been meditating for less than a couple of years.
Third, this article could have been twice as long, because almost everyone responded to the question.
Over time, when people learn to pause and realize they have a choice, it really makes a difference!